"GET SMARTER"
(page 3 of 3)
SCENE THREE: Toshiba product showcase, upper level
Susan dashes off to the topmost scenic level, the Toshiba Product Showcase. Zack follows, hopping on one foot.
ZACK
The shoe phone!
SUSAN
No, no, not that.
ZACK
The Cone of Silence!
SUSAN
Not the Cone of Silence, Zack.
ZACK
The suicide pill then. This month's flavor is Kumquat-Banana. Wanna try it?
SUSAN
No, Zack.
ZACK
It's not habit-forming.
SUSAN
Zack, have you forgotten that Seigfried Jr. is about to destroy the Toshiba universe and the entire free world as we know it? What about my career?
ZACK
Hmmmm. Good point. What did you have in mind?
With a Vanna White flourish, SUSAN points to the crate at the apex of the stage.
ZACK
A box. Of course! That's brilliant! There's NO WAY Seigfried Jr. can get the best of us if we think outside the box. Especially after they see what we've got inside the box. By the way, sis, what DO we have inside the box?
She pulls out a lynchpin and the four walls of the box flop to the floor revealing a Newport Police motorcycle on which a gleaming Toshiba Libretto 110CT has been mounted.
SUSAN
Ta-da!
ZACK
Ahhhhh ... the old computer on the motorcycle trick. (He holds up a traffic ticket) Second time I've fallen for that this month.
SUSAN
All you have to do is send me the stats on Seigfried's operatives from the Toshiba DVD-RAM drive in the basement into the Libretto 110CT on this motorcycle, dispatch an APB ...
ZACK
... download the PC, grab a BLT - BYOB - call TFC and book the SOB!
SUSAN
... and, voila', a new webcast premieres: "Villains Behind Bars".
ZACK
I'm on the case! Just give me a second to send you the data from downstairs.
He dashes off to the lower warehouse level and punches in a few keys on the Equium keyboard while Susan boots up the Libretto on the motorcycle.
ZACK
Get it?
SUSAN
Got it.
ZACK
Good.
The lights flicker.
ZACK
Drats! An unforeseen eventuality.
Defeated, Zack leaves the computer in the warehouse and moves back upstairs.
ZACK
I'm sorry, sis. Seigfried Jr. has browned us out. Without juice, even the Toshiba DVD-RAM Drive can't finish the job. I'm afraid we're sunk.
SUSAN
Buck up, little camper. Every new technology here in the Product Showcase is backed up with Toshiba's Lithium-Ion and Nickel-metal hybrid chemistries.
ZACK
And - don't tell me - you’d be hard pressed to find a negative with any of Toshiba's batteries.
SUSAN
That's right, Zack. In other words, with Toshiba products, our customers have nothing but a positive experience.
ZACK
I asked you not to tell me that! Don't steal my lines, sis.
SUSAN
Sorry about that. But what do you expect from a company that's been in the battery business since 1954?
We hear a crackling sound and Seigfried Jr's image reappears again on the overhead screens. This time his hand is on the plunger of a wicked-looking explosive device.
SEIGFRIED JR.
Time's up, Smarts. Prepare to meet thy maker.
ZACK
Sorry to disappoint you, my nefarious, nerdlike, nemesis friend. But you forgot the first rule of leading edge technology: location, location, location.
SEIGFRIED JR.
You idiot! Those are the three rules of real estate. The first rule of leading edge technology is "never reveal your secrets."
ZACK
I think NOT, you barbarous, bilious bully. That's the first rule of magic. The first rule of leading edge technology is ... Uh, what IS the first rule of leading edge technology, sis?
SUSAN
Never mind, Zack. The point is that with Toshiba's DVD-RAM drive, backed up by Toshiba's remarkable Next-Technology rechargeable chemistries, we've been able to send the data from the Equium 7000 to the Libretto 110CT on this police motorcycle ...
SEIGFRIED JR.
What?!?!?!?
ZACK
... and feed over 180 kazillion bytes of data into smallest, lightest mini-notebook in the world.
SUSAN
Not quite, Zack.
ZACK
How about 90 kazillion?
SUSAN
The Libretto IS the smallest and lightest notebook in the world, BUT ...
ZACK
Would you believe ... 4.3 billion?
SUSAN
That's more like it.
SEIGFRIED JR.
No! You can't do that!
ZACK
Oh, yes we can, you quacky, criminal crumb. And that data has given us the make on every one of your trouble-making League of Imposters. With Toshiba's help, our agents from CONTROL will hunt them down like dogs and book them all ... one at a time or singly!
SEIGFRIED JR.
Curses! Foiled again!
ZACK
And ... loving it! So long, Seigfried.
With a decisive finger, Zack punches the "Enter" key on the Libretto keyboard. We hear the sound of a toilet flushing and see the image of Seigfried Jr. on the big screen, twirling down the drain.
SEIGFRIED JR.
Aeiiiiiiiiiii ...
ZACK
Say hello to Roy for me.
Zack and Susan "high 5" each other again. Then a "low 5". Then a bottom-bump.
ZACK
Congratulations, sis. You've just had your first Save the World experience.
Susan
So, basically, using Toshiba's cutting edge technology, we just outwitted Seigfried Jr. by identifying his operatives, having them arrested, and thus averting the collapse of the entire free world as we know it.
ZACK
All in a day's work, sis. It's no accident that I'm ten-time Spy of the Year ...
SUSAN
With a little help from Toshiba.
ZACK
Maybe just that much.
SUSAN
But Seigfried Jr. isn't the only criminal mind out there who wants a piece of Toshiba technology.
ZACK
You got that right, sis. There's so much industrial espionage going on these days that most of the time I feel like a snake trying to swallow an elephant.
SUSAN
Hey! I've got an idea. Let's blast off some "whodunnit" specs on the Toshiba TF631 facsimile machine with its two second QuickScan, and see what other scum of the earth turns up.
ZACK
Just show me the FAX, ma'am.
They feed a sheet into the TF631 facsimile machine and it zips right through. A corresponding image of a member of the audience appears on screen, taken earlier in the program, framed in the signature FBI/USPS wanted poster format.
ZACK
Looks like a textbook case to me. Straight out of the CONTROL manual on "The Agents of Ho-Hum and Rottenness".
SUSAN
You can say that again.
ZACK
Looks like a textbook case to me ... just kidding. We can track that one down later, sis. Right now, I've got a rendezvous with Destiny.
Image of audience member on screen fades to black.
SUSAN
Destiny, Zack?
ZACK
Would you believe ... another round of DOOM in the basement? This time, triple X.
He starts to move offstage, waving coyly.
Oh, Destiny ...
Music punctuates the moment and decays. Blackout.
-THE END